I've never willingly left New York; I always feel like I'm being dragged away by some unknown being. The first time was hard; just a short time after I was dropped off, I was picked up again, just before Christmas 2007. I held back from crying until we hit the Lincoln Tunnel. We arose from the other side and the buildings of Manhattan appeared. I never took my eyes off of it as I watched the shrinking skyline through tears. My subsequent visits (during fall break, winter break, spring break, etc) were all the same. I had something else waiting for me that I had to return to. Not that I was immensely sad to be going back to Philly (cheesesteaks awaited me...) but it felt as though I left as soon as I arrived. However, this post isn't about that.
I stared out the window of the NJ transit into hazy wasteland (it is New Jersey, after all). I think about my time in NY, Chicago, London, and Nashville. It feels odd to have lived in so many places in a short amount of time, and how each of them, in their own unique way, were home and were not home. This doesn't make sense, and I fear that it never will. I'll continue to wander, missing the places I have already been, and somehow missing the places I haven't been even more. It's a joyous thing to see someone like Charlotte love her city so much. She hasn't lived outside Philly for at least six (seven?) years and doesn't plan on leaving any time soon, and I wish I could feel the same about a place. I wish I could love a city like Char loves Philly. I will say, NY will always have a special place in my heart. After all, it was my first home away from home.
When I leave home in Ohio, my mom waits for my car to be completely gone before she'll go back inside. She stands on the porch as I pull out of the driveway, endlessly waving until I'm fully gone. I look up just before I drive away to see her still standing there, waving. I peer out the window of the NJ Transit, thinking I must be too far away, and I see out the corner of my eye that the skyline is still there, with the Empire State Building shining in the winter sunset. Eventually the city shrinks into the horizon and I come to terms once again that I'm leaving; I return to this sinking feeling that I've felt before: going home to a place that no longer feels like home.
Until next time, New York...